The Spotless Mind

I could never eat alone in public. My fear of heights, blood, needles, and coffins do not measure up to my fear of public places. In my mind, I will keep hearing the words “Loser” or “Freak”. I guess that’s the problem with having low self-esteem.

People who know me will probably scoff at my latent shyness. It’s because they usually see this person bursting with confidence not knowing that I use that as a defense mechanism to hide my true self. I really am an emotionally frail person inside. (Cue hysterical laughter from my friends.)

I’ve always been an ugly kid. Growing up, I kept getting compared to my brother who’s a year younger. He’s always been the good-looking spawn with the excellent nose and unique mestiso features. As kids, I remember we attended a grand family reunion and all our relatives praised his good looks. I got the throwaway “Ang tangkad mo na!” (Read: It’s a good thing you’re tall.) A few years later, my brother had a sudden growth spurt so I ended up not getting noticed at all.

Being the ugly duckling made me want to get recognized, so I excelled in school instead. Still, this pseudo-intelligence does not immediately present itself in public. It’ll make me more of a loser if I wear my medals everywhere I go. At the end of the day, it still boils down to the shape of my nose.

I’ve lived with that fear of being ridiculed for being ugly and that’s why I would never be caught eating by myself in any restaurant or fast food chain. I even find it hard to walk alone in a mall knowing that all eyes are on that poor kid who would never look as good as his brother.

Layers of confidence may hide it but the truth still remains, the ugly duckling is now just a full-grown duck.